Indiana is a Giant Pile Of Feces

Growing up in Owensboro, Indiana has always been within a few minutes drive. All it takes is a quick drive across the big blue bridge, and you can buy fireworks that are illegal in the K-Y AND go to an old school drive-in. I've never really had a problem with my neighbors to the northwest...until YESTERDAY.

We should have known that nothing good would come of the day when we were pulled over almost IMMEDIATELY after crossing the Ohio River from the promised land into...HELL. This jackass OFF DUTY policeman in his tightass jeans and his little girl in the backseat decides to go on a power trip and pull us over. Sure, we passed him at 70 in a 55, but our fuzz buster was NOT beeping so he clearly didn't have his radar on. After issuing a "warning," he got off on the exit like 2 feet away and Daddy looked soooo cool for his little kid. What a DICK.

So, on we go. Anyone who saw the game knows that the story does NOT get any better. It was pretty apparent that Killingsworth performed ALOT of sexual favors for the refs before the game because anytime anybody got within 10 feet of him, it was called as a foul. Amazingly, his mouth wasn't tired after all those blowjobs for the refs because he had absolutely no problem running it to Pat Forde and ESPN.com about his disdain for Kentucky. "Finally got 'em! We beat them jokers!"Well, you can say whatever the hell you want. You gotta drive home five hours and put up with a loss." Not only is his English incorrect, his geography is also lacking.....Lexington is only about 2.5 hours from Indy.....Friggin dumbass....

With the lack of class displayed by the IU players and coaches, I guess it's no surprise that the fans would also be unbelievably rude. We were just walking down the street and people would yell mean things to us for absolutely NO REASON. Now, I'm a sore loser as it is, and I don't really take well to being taunted, but these people were OUT OF CONTROL. We randomly decided to go to the Pacers game and people were giving us crap there as well. I have never encounted such a shitty group of people in my life. In addition to having shitty citizens, the state is also flat, which sucks. That's pretty irrelevant but I thought I'd throw that in there as well.
In conclusion, Mike Davis, Marco Killingsworth, and the entire state of Indiana can suck a dick.

My Trip To The Liquor Barn

My anticipation has been escalating over the past few months as the new Liquor Barn at Hamburg prepared to open. The first time I drove by and noticed this massive shrine to alcoholism I mistakenly thought that it was the beginnings of a car dealership; however, later to my amazement I discovered that it was, in fact, a new Liquor Barn. My anticipation mounted and mounted with each passing month, and I could not wait for the day that I could enter this Alcoholic's Promised Land.

Well, this week I finally had the opportunity to check it out. Twice. I have to say that I was a bit overwhelmed and completely awe struck as I ventured to this place of wonder. The parking lot itself was insanely massive, suggesting the need for a sign stating "Goofy Row 4" so that I could actually find my car. As we made it from the parking lot to the building, I knew that something wonderful was in store.

We entered, and it was just as beautiful as I had anticipated. An entire room devoted to cigars. Any beer you could possibly want COLD. Martini glass balloons. It was pretty much the coolest place I've ever been. Well, not really. That would be sad.... But still, it was pretty frickin sweet.

L'il Dude 'N Squirt

Recently, it has come to my attention that my adorable little turtles MAY be gay. It seems that every time I turn around, they are on top of each other, "wrestling." Now, I'm not really schooled in the ways of "turtle reproduction" so Erin and I decided that there was only one way to find out if my turtles were, in fact, flamers. Logically, we GOOGLED it. Now, I'm sure that you can imagine when you google "Turtle sex" you get all kinds of interesting responses. One link said something along the lines of "hardcore turtle sex." It kinda creeps me out that some people might be into that, but whatever floats your boat I guess. Well, all we really learned from our Google search is that turtle's reproductive organs are inside their shell, so we really have no way of knowing if they are gay or not. I'm just going to say that they're gay, because thats way cooler than having straight turtles.

In addition to being sexually confused, it appears that Li'l Dude is also suicidal. I was cleaning their turtle lagoon today, and I put them in a shallow bowl on the kitchen counter that I didn't really see how they could possibly get out of in the 38 seconds it took me to rinse out their lagoon. Well, I glance over and I see Li'l Dude leap from the kitchen counter and hit the floor!!!! Luckily, he landed on his shell, and has since made a remarkable recovery. I feel like a bad mother cause I just didn't see the signs. I see this as a cry for help, and I feel like he will be fine with some counseling.

This past weekend was a flashback to what I like to call the "Glory Days." Of course I am referring to a time when drunken baseball games in the courtyard of Ro Lex were a weekly occurence, and October wasn't complete without setting off fireworks in the middle of the night on any given Thursday. Yes, in my ripe old age of 22, I have lost the craziness that once was my life. Even though I accept that the days of launching water balloons into the parking lot at random strangers and getting the cops called on us because we're drunk and blasting Alabama are distant memories, I think its important to bring back these "Glory days" from time to time. That time was THIS WEEKEND.

Erin flew in from Charleston and it was Katie's last weekend before heading back to Georgia, so it was imperative that we make the most of the rare opportunity that we all have together. Saturday was a day devoted to alcoholism. We began drinking with breakfast, and 6 bottles of champagne, a fifth of Absolut, and a pony keg later, we were pretty well set for the day.

SOMEHOW, after all that drinking, we still managed to go out that night. Several of us went to McCarthy's, INCLUDING long lost Cousin Alex!!! Now, we were all pretty toasted, and it got to be time to leave and we couldn't get ahold of our d.d. to come pick us up. Daniel had driven, but unfortunately he had a tiny pickup truck and there were 6 of us remaining at the bar. For some reason, we thought it made sense for Erin and I to ride in the truck to Chris's house to sleep, but for Chris and Elizabeth to get a cab to Elizabeth's house. It really made no sense at all....but the story just gets more comical from there.

Apparently, Eliz and Chris were having a hard time getting a cab, so they just decided to walk to Arby's first. OBVIOUSLY, at 3:30 there were no cabs available, so they just decided to start walking. To Perri's house on Maxwell. Well, apparently they walked in and it smelled like urine and Elizabeth didn't want to stay there. So they decided to walk to her house. CLEAR DOWN RICHMOND ROAD past NEW CIRCLE. So they start walking. And realize it's further than they think....OBVIOUSLY... So they start calling people. I didn't hear my cell phone, but apparently Erin answered hers. Elizabeth asked Erin if we could come and get her and she goes "NO We're SLEEPING!!" and hung up. The poor things walked all the way to Henry Clay High School before they FINALLY got ahold of somebody....at 5:45 AM....

Ah yes! The "Glory Days" are back! However temporary they may be!

An Ode To UK Football
By: Laurino

There is a place called Lexington, in the Bluegrass state
Where every year our football team meets another disastrous fate.
We lose the games you might expect, to the Gators, Bulldogs, and Vols.
But IU, give me a break, it's a shame we have no balls.

Third and out, that's how we roll, we never move the chains.
We prefer to let the opposition score rather than get grass stains.

The 4 letter words that the "Faithful" do shout, every Saturday in the Fall,
Ring all across the Bluegrass state and over those Commonwealth walls.
What in the eff is wrong with our team? How can we be so bad?
Is it injuries, the conference, probation or the coach that we don't have?
Who is this assclown running the show? And why is he still here??
Barnhart must like it up the ass, cause let's face it, they're both queer.

Our tailgating skills are phenomenal, that's where we hold our own.
We're up there with true champions, until that football is thrown.
As our buzzes fade and the game wears on, it all becomes so clear.
We're the same pathetic football team that we were last year.

So, lift your beers and raise a toast, to another 1-10 year.
For it's only a few short months until basketball season is here.

Cheers

Thursday night, Katester and I arrived at Redmons at around 1030, and none of our friends had gotten there yet. We decided to have a seat at the very end of the bar near the door in true anti-social fashion. Now, I have never sat at the bar at Redmons(except for that random Wednesday night when the stripper was attemping to teach me her moves, but thats another story entirely). I felt like Norm from Cheers, drinking and talking with the bartenders about the meaning of life...

Anywho, so I THINK Katie and I each bought one drink, yet I know that throughout the night I had at least 4 or 5. This poor guy was standing next to me for about 10 minutes and was having absolutely no success in getting the bartender's attention because of one reason: HE HAD A PENIS! Being the good samaritan that I am, I asked him what he wanted and got the bartender's attention. He thanked me by giving me a free whiskey and coke.....

The bartenders were all taking shots, and I was like I WANNA TAKE A SHOT! So we gotta free shot ....We rejoiced....

Then came the attack of the Irish. This group of about 8 Irish people came up to the bar and started ordering MARTINIS at REDMONS...a COUNTRY bar. We were just thinking to ourselves how toolish this act was when one of the Irish men who looked dead on like ROD STEWART freakin spills his martini all over me. I was like "AHHH" cause I had on white pants(which was probably a stupid idea on my part anyways), but it resulted in free martinis for Katester and myself. Now unfortunately, these lovely Irish men didn't believe in giving drinks and hitting the road. They stayed and stayed and STAYED. Rod Stewart was exceptionally creepy and kept hitting on us hardcore. I was talking to Wes at one point and I turned around and one of them was WEARING MY PURSE ON HIS SHOULDER. Now being the stuck up biatch that I am...I screamed THATS MY KATE SPADE!!!( though its as fake as Pamela Anderson's boobs) and took it from him. But WTF!! WHY was he wearing my PURSE??!!

They were with a really funny girl who requested that Katie and I hook her up with an American boy. The only American boys that we knew within the vicinity were Wes and Sam. Unfortunately, Sam had already found a girl to go home with for the evening, so that left only Wes. Regretfully, he was wearing shorts at a bar. Evidently, in Ireland shorts at a bar is what jean shorts are to Laurino. A HUGE NO NO. I had no idea.....

Death To The Molester Van

The other day, I arrived at school, greeted by the freakin biggest monsoon ever. I'm just trucking along down Limestone, wading through the flood waters and cursing under my breath at my unwelcomed circumstances. Luckily, I actually had my unbrella, so my hair was relatively safe...or so I thought. So, I'm just walking on the sidewalk, unaware that my unfortunate circumstances were about to become even worse. As I trecked through the diseased water, the B&E Building only steps away, this freakin MOLESTER van speeds by and hits this MASSIVE puddle. Needless to say, the profanities were FLYING as my ENTIRE left side, including my hair, were doused in nasty rain water!! Being that I was already running late, I didn't have time to go home and spent the entire day extremely irritated and WET!!!!


Dr. Thunder

I have an Economics class right now, and yesterday, the teacher was making a point about efficiency and referencing aluminum cans. She looks around the room in search of someone with an aluminum can and would you believe it..I am the ONLY person with one!!! Not only am I the ONLY person with one but it just happened to be DR THUNDER, the high quality Wal Mart brand beverage. Now, surprisingly, the teacher has never heard of Dr Thunder and she's like, DR THUNDER WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT?? So the entire class takes note of my Dr Thunder and they all start cracking up and I'm feeling like a total asshole right. Luckily, I'm smooth as a baby's butt. Since we had been talking about "inferior goods" (what you buy when you're broke as a joke) the day before, I responded with "Yeah, it's an inferior good." And everyone laughed. Good distraction from the fact that I was text messaging while the class discussion focussed around my can of Dr Thunder....